Sometimes, I feel lost.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know what I want anymore.
Or if I even want anything at all.
Other than morning coffee outside, good books, and my paints & pens.
It’s kind of freeing.
I turn 55 years young in a week. ;)
I’m guessing it has something to do with it.
I feel like I’m coasting now as opposed to those years where everything was planned and well manicured.
I think back at just a few years ago,
when I first began thinking of offering online courses.
I watched as others developed fabulous online courses, and I was so inspired.
I sat myself down and planned out a 6 week online course called:
How to develop courage, hope and connection through art, writing and gratitude.
(Yeah, I know. Long title. Also, the 6 weeks then morphed into 4 weeks. But I was on my way.)
Months passed, and still no course.
Every once in a while, I’d take out my binder and spread my notes around me.
Then I’d be interrupted by something, and the binder would be shelved again.
Dad needed me more than usual.
I caught a cold that seemed like it lasted for months.
Our son, who decided to attend university in the fall, needed me. (Or so I told myself)
Books needed to be read. Meals needed to be made. The dog needed to be walked.
Fear and doubt set in.
Then guilt of not doing what I say I’m going to do.
It all just felt heavy to me.
When I shared this with a good friend, she suggested that: “Maybe your e-course is meant for later in life then.
Maybe you should focus on your e-book instead.
Or just painting. Whatever fuels you the most”.
And it was exactly what I needed to hear.
She gave me permission to go easy on myself.
To let go of the guilt.
We’re surrounded by so many superheroes, that it’s hard to feel ok with being unproductive sometimes.
And maybe - just maybe - being productive is not what it’s all about.
I’m growing tired of hearing people say:
“You should do this. You could make money” or
“you should sell that. You could make money”.
I want to make art for the sake of making art again.
Rather than a TO DO list, maybe we should all have a
TO NOT DO list.
Here’s what mine would look like today:
• Stop wasting time on social media (yes, I still do this too much. Damn!)
• Stop mixing art & money. Keep them separate. If you make $ with art, great. If you don’t, still great, cause you still made art. :)
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Stop trying to keep busy all the time. Sometimes, doing nothing is great.
• Stop feeling like you need to be somewhere else, doing something else
• Stop trying to understand people on social media. Or people around you, for that matter. ;)
• Stop feeling like everyone else knows the secret of life and you don’t. If your life makes sense to you, that’s all that matters. And let’s face it, we’re all fucked sometimes.
Feel free to borrow some of these if you need to. :)
When I first sat here this afternoon, I had no idea what I would write about because it’s been months since I posted here.
But still - I love this space.
I’ve decided this space would be a forgiving place.
Not a place where I feel obligated to post on a regular basis, but a place where I post whenever I have something worthwhile to share.
If I lose followers along the way (because of my occasional disappearing act), I’m ok with that, and I want you to be ok with wandering off elsewhere too.
I trust we’ll find one another again when we need each other. :)